After months of rumination and research, the National Football League announces that its sport isboth responsible for horrific, unnecessary head trauma of its athletes and is vastly inferior to real football.  Accordingly, the NFL has voted that Super Bowl XLVII will henceforth be a giant Destiny’s Child concert starring Beyoncé and featuring Kelly Rowland and a Michelle Williams that is not of the Dawson’s Creek variety.  A slow clap echoes throughout the Super Dome.

Beyoncé appears on stage in a large, sequined sombrero and sings every platinum-certified single Destiny’s Child (i.e. Beyoncé) has ever produced.  Kelly and Michelle stand in the background sporting non-sequined Chevy sombreros as they participate in a 45-minute, two-person wave.

Kelly Rowland formally acknowledges that the entire chorus of “Stole,” her solo hit during her “illustrious” departure from Destiny’s Child, is grammatically incorrect.  In a symbolic gesture of apology for misusing simple past participles, she defers her performance to David Guetta – just as she has done for her entire career.  Guetta appears on stage holding a laptop computer, presses “Enter” and stands motionless while he watches throngs of football fans attempt to dance to house music without the aid of recreational drugs or excessive guilt over their liberal arts educations.

Michelle Williams is given approximately 26 seconds to sing a Christian song showcasing that she has, in these past seven years, done more than work at Nordstrom Rack.  Beyoncé stands in the corner of the stage, shimmering sombrero in hand, looking bored and fabulous as she contemplates the extent of her power and what Jay Z is cooking for dinner.

As the show ends and the crowd’s emotions dissipate from shock, incredulity, and confusion to anger elicited from unused testosterone and closeted homosexuality, officials are forced to declare an arbitrary winner.  In homage to the homoeroticism oozing (zing!) from the sport – quite ironic considering the NFL’s spate of homophobia as of late – the two teams compete in a big gay drag show adjudicated by the founding members of Southern Decadence.

San Francisco 49er’s Colin Kaepernick and Jim Harbaugh win by two fierce hip-thrusting catwalks.  A drag queen screams that San Francisco loves its tight ends.  Somewhere in Washington, DC, a Vietnamese girl yelps “Zing!”

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Editor’s Note:  This will probably not happen.